Singapore Haze

It’s my fourth week at the Red Dot.  All over the news is the Singapore haze covering the skyline.

I knew that the time will come when I will start asking myself “Why am I doing this?” My friend and mentor reminded me that when these moments come to haunt me, I should look back at the reasons that propelled me to move forward. And while I knew she was right, while I knew that those reasons were rooted down to Faith, I fought very hard not to lose my own faith to the forces that brought me here.

I blamed it to the many late nights of sleep I had even before I landed in SG.
I blamed it to the sudden loss of appetite way into my second week which left me seven pounds lighter.
I blamed it to the flu and sore throat that weighed me down for weeks that doesn’t seem to end.
I blamed it to the apparent lack of work-life balance that will be looming over me for the next three years.
And the rest of it is simply homesickness.

If my family were here, it would have been bearable. I would draw energy from their laughter. I would take shelter in the warmth of their embraces. But for now, their electronic memories and virtual chats are my only comfort.
Some office folks were kind enough to ask how I am doing. How is my family and are they coming anytime soon? There will always be a lump at my throat and I had to fight back the tears. I am not embarrassed by the tears but I have to stop them or else there might be no end to it.

My husband has been very loving and supportive, giving me something to hold on to even while we are apart. He brings to me the cheerful smiles of our kids, the loving words from Kyla and keeping them focused and secure in my absence.

My sister has been very helpful, keeping me company during my sick days and keeping me sane during those times when I needed someone to talk to.

It was great to have seen some old friends. Even for a while, I was back to my old self.

But at the end of the day, there was still this haze. Like a dark cloud enveloping my heart.