No Apologies (Ruminations of an Introvert)

Nobody believes me when I tell them – or more appropriately, when they learn – that I am an introvert. In my job, I interact with people all the time and being an introvert, it is very taxing to one’s energy.  On Monday mornings, after the daily feet on floor time at the production floor, I kid my team that it already felt like an entire week has passed after all that talking.  But all too well, I am not actually kidding.

In my daily work routine, I always needed a few minutes of time over a cup of coffee – alone – which is a critical element for recharging an introvert’s mental battery; or if I have to sit with a bunch of folks, I endeavor not to talk much; else I defeat my purpose of recharging.  This then would mean that oftentimes I am mistaken for a snob or a very serious person.

Introverts have been mistakenly equated for being shy, anti-social, docile and quiet--  a person who does not like to talk much or a wallflower in a social gathering.   I grew up thinking I was an introvert because I don’t like speaking in front of a crowd.  I am not good at small talk and would rather read a book.  I like carving out times for me to be alone and be able to do the things I like to do in solitude -   like writing a poem or a short article, talking a walk around the village or listening to my favorite song.

That doesn’t mean I don’t need friends, people to confide to, or that I shun human presence in general.  It doesn’t mean I am not a team player, in fact, I believe I am the kind who plays my role well in a team while the rest, talk and talk and talk.

Much later, when I was assessed for the Myers-Briggs Personality Test, I learned that introversion is a personality trait characterized by focus on internal feelings and how our energies are best recharged, rather than on external sources of stimulation and social exposure.

Understanding the fine line between introversion and extroversion was liberating. It made me comfortable over the choices I made instead of struggling to be this 'someone else'.  As a mother, I endeavor to also understand and respect my daughter’s personality instead of pressuring her to be someone she is not.  

End of the day, there are no apologies for being true to oneself.

My Yearender 2013: Seasons of Time

This year is incidentally, the 13th year of my year-end chronicles, in remembrance of the highlights and life events of the year that is about to come to pass and a gesture of embracing the New Year with optimism and good vibes. Yearenders are not just about a list, but pondering through life’s lessons that makes every year we add into our life, richer, meaningful not only for ourselves but also for others. And so I did the pondering-thing while chilling out under the palm trees dotting the beautiful Boracay shoreline and uncannily, there were indeed top 13 stories of 2013.

So here it goes…

A Time to Heal. Kyla had an accident at exactly Christmas day of 2012. She had a broken wrist and had to wear a cast for six weeks until the fractured bones healed itself in time. What amazed all of us including the doctors was her calmness and bravery throughout the ordeal. She did not cry or rage into hysterics (which, understandably, a child may have done). And even while still in her cast, in January 2013 she completed 2.6KM for the Singapore Terry Fox Run for a Cause and raised $100SGD for cancer research. Kyla is an example of a child whose spirit can never be broken, and I tell her that this is the most important lesson from that episode.

A Time to Let Go. I’ve gotten better in terms of taking my vacations and really let go, albeit for a while, of my usual I-need-to-do-this-by-so-and-so-at-work baggages, and really enjoy a true vacation. In 2013, we have ticked off every destination place in our travel plans: my birthday staycation at Shangrila Sentosa, Legoland Malaysia, Hanoi Vietnam/Halong Bay Tour, SEA World SG, Art Science Museum and revisiting good old Boracay. I also had my last run in SG with the Venus Women’s Run. Life is good!

A Time to Say Adieu. I already knew that our time in Singapore is about to come to an end and once again, time to say goodbye-for-now to friends in SG and at work. I am happy to go back with old friends, but equally grateful for making new friends who will become part of my life’s tapestry.

A Time to Connect to the Next Dot. I am forever thankful for the new avenues that life had opened for us during our stay in SG—after all, this is where Kevin grew leaps and bounds in his development, where he spoke his first sentence, where we were given a renewed sense of hope on what he can be. It validated my belief that the time we spent in Singapore was not a mere happenstance but part of a bigger picture, not only for myself but also for my family. Another dot was revealed and it is time to move on to the next one. (See article Connect the Dots)

A Time for Home Coming. The first place we visited after arriving in Manila was of course our home in Laguna. There is a sense of rightness into it, something much more than the act of physically seeing our house. While we spent the last 2.5 years living in a first world metropolitan city, nothing compares to the sense of peace that I felt when I saw our house once again. In my heart I understood what Coming Home meant. Thank God, we are finally home.

A Time to Savor Triumph. At the work front, FY1213 ended at a high note. After gruelling two years of challenges and tough times, AAIJK FC SNO results are all back on track and promises to be one of the best ever year. As promised, I treated my team to that well deserved buffet dinner to celebrate all the sweat and tears it took to get to where we are.

A Time to Charter New Horizons. By June 2013, I am officially back to the Plant. I feel an adrenaline rush simply thinking about the possibilities of what could be the next level of breakthrough for an organization that is already at the high end of that bar. I was not disappointed. In a split second moment while internalizing what can be, the vision came to me like fireworks lighting up a dark sky. Destination: known. The road is set.

A Time for a Renewed Sense of Hope. The biggest challenge coming home was finding a new school and partners for Kevin’s special needs. After all, he left as a child and returned as a teenager. But once again, the Lord has been there. Always. To lead our hand to the right way. We missed our appointment with one of the teachers who was supposed to give Kevin a referall for a center in Las Pinas. Instead, I saw this flyer on their desk for a school for special needs children, somewhere in Alabang. We decided to inquire there instead and it ended to be a better option for Kevin. We are very happy that Kevin found a new family in Optimal Academy and he continue to surprise us with his progress!

A Time to Change Hats. Our little girl is now a tween. I need to learn now this fine balance of being a mom (authority) and also be a friend whom she can trust, confide with and continue to bond via shared interests. So we endeavor to continue Fun Runs whenever we can, play more Badminton (good luck to me), listen to music together (thanks to Ninang Ninnie for Kyla’s mini boom box!), read books together, bake/cook together and continue to impart wisdom as I know she is hungry for it.

A Time for that Defining Moment. Kyla told me that she wants to become an educator and open a school for special children someday. This brought tears to my eyes because, even though she may still be young and can change her mind someday, I know that this was borne out of her nurturing spirit and love for her brother. Whenever she is off-school, she spends her day going to Kevin’s school and actually acting as the teacher’s assistant.

A Time for Rekindling Old Passions. Writing has been my passion. I had been very busy early this year from all the transitions we had to go through, for family and at work. But in the middle of moving to SG and Manila, my new roles and responsibilities, I had been given an opportunity to once again flex my literary and editorial muscles with a much broader audience. Thus, the Asia D&I Newsletter came to be. (Special thanks to Marlon Devera and Choops Tupe for their creative contributions for the logo.)

A Time for Retribution. I am going to be deliberately vague on this one. I once read somewhere that “The strongest of steels are forged from the hottest fires.” I know the feeling of going through a crucible. When the day of retribution finally came, was the day when I can truly say, I survived. I will always be thankful for my truest and trusted friends and confidantes who stood my me and held my hand through that rite of passage.

And finally, a Time for Peace. 2013 is probably, the year out of so many that passed, when I can truly I am at peace with my life and with every day that pass, I thank the Lord for giving me and my family this feeling of serenity, knowing fully well that wherever He wants to BE, whatever He wants me to BE, will be.

With this, I embrace 2014 with open arms.
Life Begins.
Again.

Thank You for the Memories, Singapore

After 2 and ½ years of living and working in Singapore, it is time to go back home. I have known for quite a while that my time in Singapore is finite and would come to close. I appreciated having the sense of predictability for once, after a lifetime of unpredictable twist and turns in life. The last few years have been well spent for me and my family. We were able to explore most of what Singapore has to offer and travelled great places in the Southeast Asia.

Last day at Park Infinia

A few colleagues did ask me, after the announcement of my new assignment was made, how I feel about moving back. It's mixed feelings, actually. On one hand, there is elation and anticipation.

This is a historical time for the Philippines. A nation whose time has come. We are at a turning point where all our dreams and hard work for our country is coming to fruition. We are not too far off from earning our rightful place as the next tiger economy for Asia! It is a great time to be back in the Philippines! True, it is still not perfect but we are moving at the right direction. An ounce of optimism coupled with work and perseverance always outweigh negative energies. Progress versus perfection!

I definitely look forward to resuming our tour of the Philippines. After having been into the so-called popular tourist destinations in Southeast Asia, I am convinced there is no reason why our beaches would not emerge superior or at par with the world's best! Palawan, Boracay, Bohol, Cebu, Ilocos, CamSur, Davao, Nasugbu - and many more - the list is endless!

We also miss our home. Being cooped up in a high rise, landless condominium unit is not the same as enjoying breezy nights at our lanai by the garden. My husband and daughter definitely missed gardening and the joys of father-children bonding over washing the car. Things we could not do in Singapore.

We missed authentic Pinoy food too, especially the ihaw-ihaw (grilled) kind! We missed the Chrismassy atmosphere that starts in September, the town fiestas, the Santa Cruzan, the firecrackers every New Year's eve and the fuss that goes along with it. The festivities that shows the fun side of Filipinos, no matter what predicament we face. As they say, It's More Fun in the Philippines! And we have thousands of reasons why.

On the otherhand, there are also people and memories of Singapore that I will miss to be sure and this made my last few months poignant with memories...

- The few close friends who stuck with me and pulled me over to have a life. I couldn't have stayed sane without them!

- Friday night unplanned after work drinks at Harry's and wherever we wound up afterwards!
- My work mentors who never gave up on me even when I was about to give up on myself. I will always remember that the best gift we can give to others is believing that they can.
- The SG-version of the oh-no-we-are-doomed days that thankfully never came.

- I will miss strolling along the Esplanade after a hearty dinner at Makansutra, simply looking over the Singapore river and the city skyline.

- Running my first 5K and 10K, which I hope to be able to continue at home.

- Eating at the hawkers. We've had our share of the posh fancy dining places but the hawkers is as real as it can get.

- Late night coffee with Belle and Lek along Orchard Road while seating along the sidewalk. Afternoon tea breaks at Wang's and the auntie who knew us so well already.
- Rummaging goodies whenever there is something on sale.  In SG, I only buy stuff when they are finally on sale! And ogling at the designer boutiques and conjure excuses why I should pull myself away ASAP.
- Being able to walk home very late at night and knowing you are safe.
- Travelling from SG to most part of the region is a breeze.
- Watching plays at the MBS Theater. Note to self: watch more plays in the Philippines.
- Walking to work! I now have to endure the slow moving traffic at the south.
- Walking to the nearby mall at the drop of hat, for some after dinner dessert or whenever I fancy buying a new book.
- No brown outs, no typhoons, no flooding. No worrying about whether we will have running water when the electricity goes out!

Most of all, Singapore will always have a special place in our hearts.

This is where Kevin grew leaps and bounds in his special education through the help of his teachers/therapists at the ABC Learning Center. In Singapore, we never felt that Kevin was looked down upon by people; he was always treated with understanding and respect despite being especially different.

I am convinced that Kevin was part of the reason why fate brought us here.

And that purpose has been served. He will be thirteen soon and as destiny has laid it down, his new needs are best met at our home country. Now it is time to move on.

Because as the tired old cliche goes... there is still no place like home.



Whenever I walk to work every morning, I glance up to these towers while I sing to myself.

 

Kevin's farewell day at ABC Learning Center



Kyla's farewell speech on her last day at school.
She even asked me to create a video of picture slide show showing
her memories of Singapore, CIS and Asia.



Farewell Dinner hosted by friends
They saved my sanity in the last few years!



... I call this our goodbye-for-now dinner.

Farewell dinner with the PS team

Ladies of FC. Will be missing you!

 

The Five People You Meet in Heaven

"There's a story behind everything. How a picture got on a wall. How a scar got on your face. Sometimes the stories are simple, and sometimes they are hard and heart breaking."

I encountered this book more than three years ago, while I was reading another favorite book-- The Chicken Soup for Children with Special Needs. This book was mentioned in one of the short stories in the Chicken Soup series.

A few weeks after, while scanning the shelves at the bookstore, I saw the paperback edition. I did not bother to scan the reviews for this book so I bought it out because I was intrigued.

The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom is about meeting the people who came to your life for a reason. The setting of the story dwells at the events that happen shortly as you pass the after life. 

After the first few pages, I was definitely, irreversibly hooked. I finished reading it while waiting for Kevin during his Saturday speech sessions in La Marea. The story was riveting and poignant. I shed tears along the way while reading the emotional parts of the story.

Maybe because deep inside I already knew the first person I will meet in that afterlife. At that moment, there was no doubt in my mind as to what the purpose of my own life was all about. Never been clearer.

And I thought, that it would still be best to divine the purpose of your life while you are actually alive, and not have it spelled out for you in death while pondering into winds of eternity and wondering what you could have or not have done. So I raved that this book came to me at a great time.

"So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half-asleep, even when they're busy doing things they think are important. This is because they're chasing the wrong things. The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning."

I also could not help but remember friends, people who became a part of my life.  Most of them stayed on for a while; sometimes a really very short while, so fleeting, before life took me to another phase, another chapter. And there were people who actually disappear in your life, only to come back again, at a portentious time when you actually need them to be there. Such were life's mysteries and blessings.

"When someone is in your heart, they're never truly gone. They can come back to you, even at unlikely times."

I was in my late teens when I began to recognize the fleeting pattern of how people, places, faces passed by my life. There was and I predicted then, that there will be no permanence. Only series of changes. Moving from city to country.  Country to city.  One lifestyle to another.  New places, new people, maybe some friends to be made, friends to say goodbye to someday.  And that patterns never ends. And sure enough until this day, it does continue.

"There are no random acts. That we are all connected. That you can no more separate one life from another than you can separate a breeze from the wind."

That was many years ago and I never understood why.  When you are young and carefree, you may see the patterns of the future but you don’t want to over-analyze things.  But now I know better.  People do come and go in my life, most of them with a special purpose.  And when their mission has been served, we say goodbye.  Some of them do come back.  Some don't.

And that is how it is supposed to be. 

That was how my life was willed to be. So I accept it.

"Sometimes when you sacrifice something precious, you're not really losing it. You're just passing it on to someone else."

But through it all, there were the very few friends and acquaintances, who served as the bridge to my past, the present and maybe well into the future.

"And if you are ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them, too--even when you’re in the dark. Even when you’re falling."

And perhaps, that is why at the end of our life, the metaphorical five symbolizes the ones that truly last forever, not by virtue of time spent with them, but the meaning they were to bring into our lives.

"All endings are also beginnings. We just don't know it at that time."

Operational Excellence Leadership Training

TEAM 4 - All set and energized!!!

We've had a great opportunity to attend the Third Asia Operational Excellence Training in Singapore this week.  You can see the picture of our team above proudly showing our "This is Me" masterpieces, together with our team facilitator Francisco.  At the end of the week, we were asked to create an artifact to represent the insights from what we have learned throughout the week.  Every end of the day, we were asked to jot in our reflections/learnings into our training handbook (journal time). And so, we thought of putting together these insights into this blog!

The training touched several topics throughout the week including personal leadership style, culture, strategy development, operational excellence and capability building, among many others, with senior leaders of the company as trainors and speakers. 

This is our team's recap of the highlights of what we have learned ...

Personal leadership.  "We are all born and growing into different kinds of people. We can become better leaders and be more successful when we tap into each other's strengths."  By Benson Li, Greater China

Executing with Excellence. "We understand (Personalize the strategy); We engage (Key message). We execute (Set the standard and RTT)." 
By Davis Zhao, Greater China

Leaders as Drivers of Right Culture. "Build a culture of trust, respect, winning, creativity and transparency." By Shirley Liu, Greater China

Our Heritage. "One of core heritage is to value our people, this speaks company is committed to help people to discover what is important for individual and help to get out of success. As a organization leader, it is important for me to be role model the right behavior, invest the effort on the right people who has the same value, same belief and help them to make every day a little better. Together, we continue to build the heritage and enjoy the journey."  By Penny Pan, Greater China

Leading Change in a VUCA World.  " I learned that with the right mindset of unleashing the power of people and by explaining why change is important for the company and how we make choices, we can create something that makes a huge difference. We have the power to Change from Volatile, Uncertain, Complex, Ambiguous to Visionary, Understandable, Clear, Agile situation."  By Keiichi Mito, Japan

Managing Change. "I learned the importance of trust and how it can be a positive driver of change. Personal leadership accelerates credibility to pull forward the behaviors that promotes trust and creates an environment that accelerates the pace of change." 

By Thang Nguyen, Vietnam

Personal Equity. "Your behaviors best demonstrate your equity. By building your equity, you help yourself getting better. Increased personal awareness will also help improve how others perceive you."  By Shanaa Zhao, Greater China

Our role as leaders. "We don't have to be extraordinary people to be leaders (and lead organizations) that deliver extraordinary results. We simply need to tap on the strengths that are already inherent within us." 
By Armie Umale, Philippines

Four Years of Metamorphosis

January 2013 marks the 4th year anniversary of my blog.

It started out as an extension of my childhood diary days and the habit of putting things into writing. When I ventured into my first article in my blogsite, all I wanted is to have an online repository for my essays and musings. I have my arsenal of poems too but I decided not to put them into the blogsite. Metamorphosis was the title of my column in the UST Thomasian Engineer Journal. I decided to stick with this because of its symbolism.

My first articles were about the most important people in my life – my family. Then I started sharing a few articles to few close friends and friends-slash-colleagues who knew our family. They were my first few readers.

My stories were mostly about my loved ones.

A friend  included a link of my blog into her own blogsite and it created new readers from time to time. Facebook paved the way for much broader sharing and readership esp for friends outside the country and outside of my work circle.

But really, it is and still is, just all about sharing my thoughts no more than what I used to do as a child with my old notebooks. I also obtained inspiration from two blog sites that I follow and this challenged the creative side of writing from time to time.

In 2013, I’d like to expand my blog articles to do a lot more advocacy for the children with special needs and for my home country. I only had a few book reviews so far. To do this for every book I've read will probably require a second blog site so I kept it to few meaningful ones.

 This was taken in Punta Fuego, Batanggas.
Scenes like this is pretty much like forever in a day.

Blogging is like a marriage. Fairly easy to get into one but keeping the fire (of enthusiasm and creativity) burning takes genuine love and commitment to make it last.

I'd like to think that the blog is an extension of my true self, the part of my psyche which I guess, not a lot of people see. I grew up a loner and I guess deep down I still am.  But I found my voice, found a channel for my true self to break free through my writing.

Thank you so much, friends and readers, for sharing the last three years of Metamorphosis with me!

Yearender 2012: Breaking Free

This is the 12th year eversince my yearender chronicles started. Every year, I find that there is always an overriding theme for the year that is about to pass.

I deliberately skipped 2011 Yearender. It was so devoid of any great, memorable event that I can remember and I realized that the year just passed by like a blur, mostly highlighted by useless tears. When 2012 heralded itself, I promised to take back control and not allow myself to live another life like that ever.

This was evident in my February 2012 blog "Something Has Changed” http://metamorphosis-armie.blogspot.sg/2012/02/something-has-changed.html  I’d like to think that whatever negative stronghold that eclipsed my soul in 2011, was suddenly lifted and I was able to break free in 2012!  One of those defining moments in ones' life.

Masterplan. I also started renewing my 2012 To Do List and I realized that I am now ending the year striking off almost each and every one of them! I am ready for my next list!

Run for Your Life. I finally found the guts to move my ass and actually give running a try! I completed three running events (P&G Olympic Day, Shape Run and 100 Plus Passion Run) and one walkathon (POSB Family Walk) in 2012. I am now preparing for my 2013 events list.

Seeing Asia. As planned, we were able to complete three trips this year – Phuket in April, HongKong Disneyland in June for Kevin’s birthday and Bali in October for Kyla’s birthday. Our last minute plan to see Legoland Malaysia was brought to a halt due to Kyla’s injury, but there are still lots of places in SG to explore! We are happy for our children – young as they are, they are able to have this opportunity to travel and see the world and get a glimpse of a different culture. Our 2013 Travel Masterplan is all set!

New Horizons for Alvin. My husband started sinking his teeth into Stock Trading earlier this year and we are glad that he seemed to have found a worthwhile endeavor that he can pursue regardless of his location. This is proving to be something he is deeply interested in and he will be able to continue this even while working from home.

Leaps and Bounds. Kevin has made significant progress in 2012 when it comes to his speech and independent life skills. He no longer maintains his daily cue cards by now, having internalized his daily personal routine. He is now almost a young man, much taller and heavier than me. We started buying him pre-teen stuff like his own hair gel, deodorant, facial cleaner and toner, and even perfume which he liked. Through the devped’s encouragement, we bought an IPAD for him which have educational programs and games for special needs children. He also liked Fruit Ninja as well! He is now better in able to express his needs and wants. He still maintains his special closeness with sister Kyla which is endearing to watch.

Shining. Now a tween, Kyla continues to gravitate towards the defining the kind of young lady she would be. Not a girly girl. Not a shrinking violet. But someone confident in her own skin and proud of her unique talents. She is good at French Drama and she ended snagging the lead Marie in their school year end drama presentation Ou Est Mon Chen. She started taking Taekwondo classes this year and her instructors always praise her agility and focus. Her friendly and caring ways did not go unnoticed, she has many friends in our community and I’m amazed that even the parents know her and greet her fondly. She joined her first Church Camp experience with her friend and this gave them a great experience of meeting new friends and looking after themselves for 1.5 days. She continue to like reading books and also loved painting and all sort of knick knack crafts. She also started having interest in running with a total of three events this year including the prestigious Standard Chartered Singapore Marathon 2012 Kids Dash. She has grown more confident and with her feet still grounded into her heritage.

Kyla’s First Holy Communion. Last November 4th, Kyla received the Sacrament of Holy Communion at the Our Lady of Lourdes Parish Chuch after successfully completing her catechism class and demonstrating readiness to receive Christ. It was not an easy feat. Unlike me who grew up and attended an all girls Catholic school where First Holy Communion is part of the second graders Christian living or religious education, from where we live, the First Holy Communion is a privilege to be earned and not an automatic bestowal that comes with a certain age. She has shown dedication in attending and participating in her Catechism classes such that when the once a year window of schedule was open, the Catechist agreed that she is ready for Holy Communion.

Farewell Dear Kimby. Our Kimby passed away after a complicated birth at my parents' hometown in Rizal, shortly before her 4th birthday and before we were planning to visit her. We regret that we were not able to be with her in her last moments and that she died, not only of birth complications but also of heartbreak, having been faraway from us. I wrote an article for her in my blog to commemorate the times she had with our family http://metamorphosis-armie.blogspot.sg/2012/09/til-we-meet-again-kimby.html. My father created a tomb for her where she was buried beside our backyard nipa hut which was her favorite hang out.

Define Bravery. Kyla met an accident at Christmas day while playing rollerblades. She had a bad fall and broke her left wrist bone. We rushed her to the hospital and doctors attempted to “pull” the misaligned bone and realign the broken section and allow natural bone regeneration, before attempting surgery. Shocking as it was, what amazed all of us including the doctors was her calmness throughout the ordeal. She did not cry or rage into hysterics (which, understandably, a child may have done). She had shown bravery and even asked to explain to her what will we be done. Later, in her usual talkative self, she told me “Mom, they are going to put me to sleep and then they are going to pull my bones so that I can get well.” I cringed internally but had to be brave for her too. She have to get used to wearing a cast and a sling until full recovery and she is taking her accident with optimism too – she even said “At least it’s not my right hand (that got injured), I can still write at school!"

Balance. On the personal front, I am happy to have gotten balance back in my life. There are many ways by which we define balance. For me, this is being able to enjoy and do the things that being happiness in my life. Little things. Mundane things. Trivial stuff. Like more time for reading. Blogging. Baking with Kyla. Art stuff with Kyla. Collecting anything with butterfly designs. Buying new books. Things that make life worth living and bearable. Time with my kids. Time with my better half. Time with friends. Time for myself.

Thank you Lord for the bountiful blessings!

2013. I am ready for you!

"Til We Meet Again Kimby

In memory of our dear family member and lovable beagle Kimby.

November 11, 2008 - September 11, 2012

Today is a sad day for our family. We lost our dear Kimby. She died very early this morning in Rizal after succumbing to complications from giving birth. This was supposed to be her second brood of pups.

My parents buried her near the nipa hut at our backyard which she considers to be her "doggie house."  Aside from missing her and looking forward to seeing her in our annual home visit a few months from now, we were filled with so much sadness because we were not able to be at her side during a very difficult time when she was fighting for her life. And that we had no choice but to grieve and remember her from milesaway.

This blog is specially dedicated to the lovable beagle who made our lives wonderful. You will always be in our memories Kimby!

New Pup Kimby became a member of our family on December 26, 2008
as our present for Kyla and Kevin

First major grooming spree!

Kimby at 5 months. In her brand new bigger doghouse.

Kimby being silly.... she doesnt like her new house!

During daytime, Kimby hangs out at the Lanai where it is cool and shady too!

Kuya Kevin taking Kimby for an afternoon stroll around the village

Kimby's First Birthday. We had cake and roasted chicken for Kimby!

New Year's Eve 2009. Kimby amazed at the sparklers.

Kimby started to like hanging out at the swing

Kimby in SG

Our last picture with Kimby- Jan 1st, 2012 before going back to SG.

Kimby's favorite nipa hut in Rizal where she enjoyed freedom.
Beside this hut is her final resting place.

Thank you Chase Martini for the comforting words....

Dear Ms. Armie,

Please tell Kevin and Kyla that pets who have gone on do not forget the kindness and love of their masters.

My bark network says that pets who leave this earth ahead wait for their masters by the big, big meadow at the foot of the Rainbow Bridge. There, they are not sick nor hurt and play happily with other pets until their master arrives. Reunited, the master and all his pets cross the Rainbow Bridge together.

My sincerest condolences.

Solemnly,
Chase

We shall see you someday Kimby at the Rainbow Bridge.

Toy Story

There was no mega toystore in my childhood days. No Toys R Us or SM Storyland. Toy sections that were part the so-called department stores and the sprouting malls of the early 80s.  My mom worked as a section head in a department store and I grew up a constant little figure skipping around and about in that world.  We had our fair share of toys, the modestly priced ones. Of course, the pricey and more funkier, bigger toys would always catch one's attention and desires but they are way too expensive.

I would stare at those toys for hours, it's all one can do. And tell myself, when I grow up and I can afford it, I'll buy those toys...

My kids grew up surrounded by mega toystores. Countless of them.  Countless of toys to choose from.  From the modestly priced plastic toys to the pricey and more funkier, bigger life-like toys. 

The difference is that many years after, somehow we can now afford to buy them for our two children. The irony was that our daughter is not that much into toys. She prefer arts and outdoor pursuits.  She made indoor kites for her brother and paper boats with our names on it. She made me a pen holder from a used milk carton for Mother's day.  She would rather swim, run, bike or play at the monkey bars.

And of course, there was Kevin. I still go to the boys' section of the toy store today. Sometimes the two of us go together. I'd stare at the toys. For many minutes.   My eyes would scan the entire expanse, counter after counter of the toy store.  Wondering.  Figuring out... what he may like. 

Most of the time, he ignores them completely. It's not that he doesn't "like" them. He just doesn't see it the way we do.  The only toy he would be eager to have is the basketball.  He has an Eeyore stuff toy that accompanies him to sleep. The rest of his childhood toys are still with him today.

So I would just helplessly stand in front of the toys.  I still do.

Lost in thoughts.  That whereas we can buy any expensive toy now, it is not what Kevin wants. He is just looking for something far more simpler.  He doesn't need and want all those expensive toys.  If you think about it, love and understanding, compassion and inclusion, is enough for him.





The Sun Always Rises (Kevin's 12th Birthday Tribute)

"Clouds come floating into (our) life, no longer to carry rain or usher storm, but to add color to my sunset sky." - Rabindranath Tagore

In a few days, Kevin will be celebrating his 12th birthday. We planned for a short family vacation, like we always do for the last few years, in time for his birthday, often somewhere with a nice beach because Kevin and his sister love swimming. This year though we deviated from this routine and opted to do the much-deferred trip to Hong Kong Disneyland. My sister and nephew will meet us in HK and spend Kevin’s birthday in Disneyland. At twelve -- technically still a tween and a year separating him from teens. But Disneyland for me is symbolic of the child in him that I know will always be there. I was able to plan this ahead this time around before things get pretty busy for fiscal end.

When I started writing the draft for this post, I still have a few weeks to complete his birthday gift list – one gift from each of us – that he will open on his birthday. Kevin appreciates receiving and opening his gifts now that he is older, I’d catch him sporting a smile as his eyes light up when he sees his gifts. A few days ago, while enjoying an after-dinner-lazy-moment at the living room and I asked him, “who will have a birthday soon?” He smiled and said “me!” in his now deep voice.

Time went by so fast.

I still need to come to terms that Kevin is now a young man and no longer a little boy. He is now (much) taller, bigger and heavier than me. Whereas I used to lift him and swing him around, I couldn’t do it anymore without risk of breaking my back. We buy his shirts and pants in the grown-ups' section now. The tweens and teens section in Singapore are too small for his frame. His bathroom include his own set of deodorant, hair gel, cologne and a mild toner (yes, toner!) – we got him to use one after he started getting a few zits and whiteheads – which thankfully, he does not scratch away.

He has gotten used to running his daily personal self care routine like clockwork-- fixing his bed after waking up, choosing and preparing his clothes for school, going though daily grooming including applying his deodorant and prepping himself. These include putting his own watch, belt, cap (when he feels like it), socks and shoes and taking out his backpack. I learned that he too has his favorite shirts and pajama set.
After school hours, he follows a schedule that includes ‘study time’ and his other drills. We keep part of the hours in the afternoon to be his “free time”. Between five to six o’clock, he will get his basketball and prepare to play downstairs. We used to have cue cards, the one that Kyla arranges for him every night in preparation for the next day. But since he has gotten comfortable running his routine, we don’t need the cue cards anymore. In a way, it was one of his early successes into moving slowly to daily independence. He is now starting to learn to clean and tidy up his own room and help more into other chores at home. This is not unique for him because we ask Kyla to do the same.

Kevin now holds the role of being our prayer leader. Before meals and before going to bed, he is the one to initiate to start praying. He will recite the Sign of the Cross while Kyla will be the one to lead the rest of the prayer. Then he will close the prayer.

Kevin started asserting his privacy as well. There are times when he would just want to stay in his bedroom and enjoy his time alone. When we’d check, he’ll be sitting by the long bench facing the window and he would be looking down at the busy sight. The bedrooms in our unit overlook the pool, the vast track of garden and play area. There will always be people swimming at the pool, children playing soccer or riding a bike, or just hovering at the Koi pond. I guess that there were times when he probably wanted to be a part of that busy state of affairs. We allow him to have his daily play time if the weather is not too hot and if he is done with his daily tasks. The people in our condo-community knew him by now and they like him. Kevin likes looking at the babies. There was a boy little over one-year old who gives him the 'high five' when he see Kevin. There was also a dog who liked playing with Kevin and his basketball.

As I realized the new goings-on in his life, I could not help but marvel and be thoughtfully poignant at the same time. My little boy is now a young man. And whether we like it not, we had to start backing off and let him run his show, seek for opportunities for him to be a part of the bigger pie of life.   And we have to do it in a way that allows him to breathe and not stifle him, while at the same time still be there to shadow and guide him.   I am thankful that his Yaya Jhane who has been with us since Kevin was 6, continue to be there for him during those hours and days when I can't.  I pray that she can still be with us for more years.

In what seemed now like eons ago, when he was about six years old, I remember sitting in the office of the Developmental Pediatrician over an excruciating conversation about Kevin’s progress.  We were told that the chances of Kevin being able to speak and able to join regular school would be quite slim. That we should probably consider reducing the therapy and SPED (special education) sessions that he attended then and save the money instead (since the therapies and SPED counts a fortune, a reason why it took us longer to be able to afford building our own house). I probably cried an ocean in that space of time.  One of those moments when you try to contain emotions but just can't.  This was one conversation that I always try to push back to the deepest recesses of my memory.

I respect that as a professional, the doctor has a responsibility to tell us the reality of the situation, no matter how painful it is. The logical side of me can understand that. But the maternal, emotional side of me wanted to be angry at how the option seemed to slam all doors and windows shut.   Hope cannot be reduced to pesos and cents.  All that histrionics. And we moved on and continued to provide our son, to the best that we can, all the support we can give – educational, moral and spiritual support, the love and loyalty that only a family can give.  We pushed on, hoped, prayed, worked for better days.  We are also thankful for the angels around us, who have given Kevin their selfless show of support in many ways that made his life richer. They have given us hope to cling on to, during the days when the skies look overcast.

A fellow parent-writer aptly puts it and I quote her: “When the clouds are forever hiding the sun, you learn to squint your eyes and look hard for the silver lining. And true enough, by God’s mercy, they are always there.” (by Pinky Cuaycong in her article Silver Linings, featured in the blog of the Autism Society of the Philippines)

That day seemed light years by now. Kevin is now a young man and everyone who knew him loved him. They are his blessings as he is a blessing for us. His challenges, our challenges – are still herculean and just as daunting as it were years ago but love, faith and hope – God’s greatest gifts – make us stronger.  And I believe it made Kevin stronger too.

When I look at Kevin, I still and probably will always see, the little baby I used to cradle in my arms. Every night before I tuck him to bed, I always remind him of our promise. That we will be there for him for as long as it takes. For whatever it takes. Now matter how dark and cold the night could be, the sun always rises.

Happy Birthday dear Kevin!
We love you and we thank the Lord for each that is given to us that we are together.
You are a blessing to all of us!

Kevin perched on top of his favorite spot at the playground

Missing the Countrysides

My life was a constant interplay between the city and countrysides.

The first thirteen years of my life was spent in the city. We lived at the heart of Cubao in Quezon City, a mere 10 minutes walk to the Araneta Center and literally across the main thoroughfare leading to Manila C.O.D where my mother worked and close by where there was Ali Mall, Fiesta Carnival, the Marikina Shoe Expo the old Savory and Tom Sawyer's restaurant and the rest of 70s-80s Cubao still imprinted in my memory.

I literally grew up roaming around the department where everyone knew me. I think this was the reason why - apart from women's general tendency to be drawn to malls and shopping (or window shopping), I feel so at home at any mall and department store until this very date. But that is another story.

I took this picture when we went home last December 2011.
This was taken the Rizal-Laguna border while driving past the Manila East Road Highway that overlooks Laguna de Bay.

We moved to the country sides when I was about to enter Sophomore high school and lived there throughout my college and post grad years when I started working in Makati.

I loved the country sides then and I still love it now. There is a sense of peace stepping outside your home, be able to breathe fresh air and just stare underneath the sky and hope to see a shooting star or look at the constellations.  I miss walking outside our home these time with our children in tow and simply enjoy hours of togetherness while communing with nature.

I wish the rice paddies of Laguna will stay that way forever
and not pave the way for urban monstrosities someday.

Our Hometown in Rizal
Taken on early New Year's Day morning of 2012

Been missing it in the middle of a life surrounded by highrise buildings and glaring city lights.

And I guess, I am missing -- looking -- for something far more than just the countryside itself.